Past, Present, Future

“The past is always tense, the future perfect.” 
― Zadie Smith

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It’s one week since we left Paris and crossed over into a life in which we have no fixed home. 

I’m glad we didn’t go on the road immediately and have chosen to stay put for at least a month. I need this time to adjust and catch up on so many things, find a routine that works for me and our travels. 

During the first days near the lake, I still lived in the past. There were loose ends in Paris in terms of contracts and accounts. I checked more than once whether I hadn’t accidentally forgotten anything crucial. The stress from the move kept my shoulders rigid and my sleep disturbed. 

But today I found myself looking forward. There were new decisions to be made, actions to be taken. I should finish our artist dossiers and research where we might apply for a residency next year. I should read more about Venice, where likely we will be staying in May. And I should definitely book April soon—it’s just around the corner!

All these thoughts made me wonder, as I’ve done often in the past: Do I ever live in the present?

D and I respond to planning differently. I’m the caretaker of our household, responsible for paying bills, handling taxes, booking flights. I feel reassured when I know where I’ll sleep next month, when something is scheduled and arranged. He, on the other hand, feels stressed when he knows too much in advance. He cannot fully enjoy where he is when his departure is already looming. 

I see his point and want to live unhurriedly, too. I agree that it isn’t always necessary to fix one’s final destination or length of stay. We are free, could go anywhere, do anything. I recognize it as my challenge to overcome my anxieties and open up, stop fearing the unknown future and embrace the time ahead as an unending source of possibilities. 

I’m hoping that traveling around the world will allow me to change. If anything, it’s time I learn to appreciate the present. 

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Photo: Hiking Trails in the Zollikon region